DATING "SPARK" DEFINED

Throughout my “dating life” i’ve had plenty of experiences, probably

shared by you as well, where I’ve been greatly attracted to someone and

even get along well with them, yet, it wouldn’t progress into a relationship

because she wasn’t feeling “it”. What’s “it”?

“It” is “no connection”, “chemistry”,  or what I will refer to as the “spark”.

I’ve had many a conversation with people about this mysterious “spark”

and this is what I want to briefly explain it to you.

Basically defined, this “spark” is a complete and overall attraction to an

individual: Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually. Meaning that you are

physically/sexually attracted to them, can relate and converse well with

each other, have fun with each others personalities, and have overall

similar ideals, values, and goals in life.

I believe that these things are crucial to make a positive and efficient

relationship. However, the twist is, I believe that much of what YOU

find “attractive”… is choice. Let me explain.

Referring to what we each find “attractive”, my friend Jacci, once told

me, “Attraction can be gained.” I would say this to mean that a physical

attraction can be overlooked due to a more important attraction at a

deeper level. We will come back to that later.

The history of “Physical” attraction throughout the world tells us

that there is no one ideal to shoot for. In the late 1800′s the Ideal

for women was to be “full”, a heavier woman was looked upon as

wealthy and healthy. Throughout the 1900′s that ideal changed in

america from a phase of flat breasted, medium build, to that of a

large bust and slim body.

Even different cultures show a large variety  of their “ideal” physique

over time. There is even evidence that women  in Africa today are

leaning towards the “Victoria’s Secret” look  because of the influence

in media there from our country.

This goes to show that this “ideal” is based upon choice, not law.

There is no standard for what type of physique can be deemed as

“beautiful”. It is solely upon an individuals choice. Deep down inside

you believe that a certain quality is attractive, something that has been

taught to you while you grew up. Now you get to determine what your

“important” qualities are and what things you have just preferred yet

deemed important for a long time.

People choose preferred qualities because they believe that having

that quality in a relationship will make it more enjoyable.

For example, Physically, I would prefer someone who is shorter than

me, slim yet an athletic build, and symmetrical. However, i’ve dated and

been attracted to women who are my height, not athletic at all, and are

a medium build. Why? Because they had something of greater value

beneath that. I was willing to let my preferences go, to exchange what

I “liked” to what was eternally important. Hence my attraction was my choice.

This can also be true to other qualities we look for, such as the type of humour

we enjoy, vocal tones, hobbies, passions, etc… Each can be overlooked.

So how can you decipher what are your “important” attractions and what

qualities you see as mere preference?

My suggestion is to take an eternal perspective. First, where are you wanting

to go? Once you have a clearer destination, then you have an idea of what

it will take to get you there. Take the example of Josh Weed, a gay man,

married to a woman. He states that he is “attracted to men sexually” yet

he gave that up so that he could 1) stay true to his religious beliefs, 2) have

children of his own, and 3) marry his best friend, someone who truly

cared for who he really was and what he was striving to become. Those

are examples of desires that can overthrow “preferred” qualities.

This “spark” is not imbedded into us. It does not control who we are attracted to,

but instead can be controlled by you. I invite you to take that eternal perspective

and look at those around you, and people you will meet, in a deeper way. Because

I strongly believe that with the right core qualities, "any two people can have a

powerful and happy marriage."

P.S. You can read more about Josh Weed’s story here.