HOW TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP

Due to so many circumstances that I've observed, experienced,
and talked to people about, I've just got to talk about the:

#1 Reason people FALL OUT OF LOVE.

Here's a fact, we all have, in varying degrees, a NEED to "Love"
and/or to "Be Loved".

It's been a big part of my life to understand love, because I've
messed so many relationships up not understanding it.

Lets first expose a MYTH about LOVE.

There is a common belief that when you meet that "someone"
 that you will have this amazing feeling right off the bat. We
are taught that as kids and through TV, so that's what we look
 for, is this wonderful feeling that makes us comfortable. But
the thing that is forgotten is that "actions" precede "feelings".

So many times have I shut someone out because I didn't "feel"
what I wanted with that person, regardless of considering their
 character traits, personality, and goals in life. Even if they
were exactly what I was wanting.

The truth is this, i've said it before, so here it is again:

"You do not simply "fall in love" with someone. 
True love is woven strong and seamless with the 
threads of selfless service. You care for others only 
as deep as you've invested your time and emotion
into them."

Want to fall in love with someone? Go serve them, do things
for them, spend time with them. Stop waiting for the "feeling".
Actions precede feelings. This principle is wonderfully brought
to life in the movie "Fireproof", where a couple on the edge of
divorce repair their relationship by performing acts of kindness
towards each other.

This is key because when things get hard and that person isn't
pleasant to always be around, then your "feelings" are going to
want to flee due to the lack of love you really have for them.

So if you are struggling with someone in a relationship now, go
do something for them, set down all arguments and hate aside
and focus on the positive in that person and then bring it out with
your service. Your love will increase and those feelings will blossom.

WHY "GOOD GIRLS" GO FOR THE "BAD BOYS"?

Most of you who know me are probably thinking, 

"Cory! How could you support men being 'jerks' to women?"

Calm down, calm down. Let me explain why, just continue reading.

Sitting down at Chili's I had a great conversation this last

weekend with a group of girls. They all had ONE question:

"Cory, Why do girls go for the 'Jerks'?"

To best answer that question I want to expose a natural law 

that I saw repeatedly when I studied profiles and self explanations. 

One of the most common response people would say is this:

"My name is Rod and I like to party!"

Ok ok, so maybe that is a quote from "Hot Rod", but it really 

is what people say, they like to have fun. On dating sites 

you'll read over and over, "My name is... and I like to have 

fun" ... well duh, who doesn't? 

Here is the law you need to understand, "you are attracted 

to everything that you find fun." Sounds pretty simple right? 

Right.

HOLD ON! Wait wait... a jerk doesn't sound that fun to be 

with. Go ask the plethora of women who have been abused 

in all ways possible. "zero" fun. And I will agree with them. 

So how does this tie into the first question?

"Jerks" naturally do things that "Good guys" don't catch 

onto that makes for a fun time. No it's not sex, drugs, getting 

drunk, or manipulation. I'm going to share with you a few of 

the things the jerks do RIGHT that land them the attention of 

the "GOOD GIRLS".

First off lets get what they do wrong out of the way. Relationships 

with jerks end mostly because they are unreliable, immature, lazy, 

selfish, insensitive, etc... So by no means do I support anyone 

being a jerk, but they are doing some things right when it comes 

to being attractive. Here are a few:

Number 1, The way they talk. Given the right situation, when a 

girl says "I don't feel good...", a jerks sarcastic response of "Ya, 

you don't look good either." is perfect to lighten the mood, rather 

than a "good guys" response of, "I'm sorry sweetie, what can I 

do to help?" therefore the unexpected answer from the "jerk" is
more fun, aka more attractive.

Number 2, The way they touch. The #1 reason why guys get put 

into the "friend zone" is because they aren't flirty at all with 

touching. Jerks touch all the time, a rub on the back, a poke, 

etc... And generally speaking more touch is more fun, aka jerks 

win again with attraction.

Attraction is merely value. If you are more valuable aka more 

"fun", you are more attractive. The reason 'jerks' have a fast turn 

over of girlfriends is because they don't provide a long term "value" 

which is what all the "good guys" are so good at. But their hold 

up is they don't provide the short term value to land the hook. 

FOR EXAMPLE: Referring to "number 1", the Jerk gets the 

short term value out with his sarcastic remarks, but he looses the

long term value by not actually helping her out or having a reliable 

character to take care of her. Vise versa, the Good guy looses out 

by not being "fun", but is exactly what she "needs" in the long run. 

What I support, and teach in my classes, is how to be the best of both worlds.

There is a TON of value in what I just shared with you here. Take 

it and apply it, test it out for yourself and comment about your 

experiences bellow!

DATING "SPARK" DEFINED

Throughout my “dating life” i’ve had plenty of experiences, probably

shared by you as well, where I’ve been greatly attracted to someone and

even get along well with them, yet, it wouldn’t progress into a relationship

because she wasn’t feeling “it”. What’s “it”?

“It” is “no connection”, “chemistry”,  or what I will refer to as the “spark”.

I’ve had many a conversation with people about this mysterious “spark”

and this is what I want to briefly explain it to you.

Basically defined, this “spark” is a complete and overall attraction to an

individual: Physically, Mentally, and Spiritually. Meaning that you are

physically/sexually attracted to them, can relate and converse well with

each other, have fun with each others personalities, and have overall

similar ideals, values, and goals in life.

I believe that these things are crucial to make a positive and efficient

relationship. However, the twist is, I believe that much of what YOU

find “attractive”… is choice. Let me explain.

Referring to what we each find “attractive”, my friend Jacci, once told

me, “Attraction can be gained.” I would say this to mean that a physical

attraction can be overlooked due to a more important attraction at a

deeper level. We will come back to that later.

The history of “Physical” attraction throughout the world tells us

that there is no one ideal to shoot for. In the late 1800′s the Ideal

for women was to be “full”, a heavier woman was looked upon as

wealthy and healthy. Throughout the 1900′s that ideal changed in

america from a phase of flat breasted, medium build, to that of a

large bust and slim body.

Even different cultures show a large variety  of their “ideal” physique

over time. There is even evidence that women  in Africa today are

leaning towards the “Victoria’s Secret” look  because of the influence

in media there from our country.

This goes to show that this “ideal” is based upon choice, not law.

There is no standard for what type of physique can be deemed as

“beautiful”. It is solely upon an individuals choice. Deep down inside

you believe that a certain quality is attractive, something that has been

taught to you while you grew up. Now you get to determine what your

“important” qualities are and what things you have just preferred yet

deemed important for a long time.

People choose preferred qualities because they believe that having

that quality in a relationship will make it more enjoyable.

For example, Physically, I would prefer someone who is shorter than

me, slim yet an athletic build, and symmetrical. However, i’ve dated and

been attracted to women who are my height, not athletic at all, and are

a medium build. Why? Because they had something of greater value

beneath that. I was willing to let my preferences go, to exchange what

I “liked” to what was eternally important. Hence my attraction was my choice.

This can also be true to other qualities we look for, such as the type of humour

we enjoy, vocal tones, hobbies, passions, etc… Each can be overlooked.

So how can you decipher what are your “important” attractions and what

qualities you see as mere preference?

My suggestion is to take an eternal perspective. First, where are you wanting

to go? Once you have a clearer destination, then you have an idea of what

it will take to get you there. Take the example of Josh Weed, a gay man,

married to a woman. He states that he is “attracted to men sexually” yet

he gave that up so that he could 1) stay true to his religious beliefs, 2) have

children of his own, and 3) marry his best friend, someone who truly

cared for who he really was and what he was striving to become. Those

are examples of desires that can overthrow “preferred” qualities.

This “spark” is not imbedded into us. It does not control who we are attracted to,

but instead can be controlled by you. I invite you to take that eternal perspective

and look at those around you, and people you will meet, in a deeper way. Because

I strongly believe that with the right core qualities, "any two people can have a

powerful and happy marriage."

P.S. You can read more about Josh Weed’s story here.

IS HAPPINESS REALLY JUST ONE CHOICE AWAY?

Let me share with you a personal experience of mine.

You may have heard me say or post “Be happy, it’s a choice.”

Well, I’ve heard of some… opinions that disagree with that statement.

Ideas like, 

“...circumstances determine our attitude and behavior.

For example, if someone murdered a family member of yours,

you WILL feel sad, mourn, and be angry… it’s NATURAL.”

I’d like to illustrate how we can CONTROL the outcome of any situation.

Here’s how it goes:

I had made an exodus from Walmart to the Newgate Mall, which

really was further away than I like to travel. There I was shopping

for some clothes, something I was not looking forward to because

my expectations were to be pressured to buy some dumb outfit

that I was not interested in.

Also I was hoping to drop in on a friend. After about 45 mins. of

finding and trying out about a dozen shirts, I found some that I

liked. After seeing the cheap price they were listed for, I checked

to see that I had the money in my wallet to purchase them. To my

surprise, it wasn’t in my pocket.

I don’t know if you have had this experience before, but my mind just instantly

clicked to a knowledge that It fell out as I was driving my motorcycle to the mall.

I looked up at the man who had been helping me and expressed my dilemma. In

a sigh, I expressed my frustration that I would be spending the rest of the evening

driving up and down where I had traveled in search of my wallet.

In hopes to brighten up that immediate sad moment, and accomplish part of the

reason I even went to that mall, I thought i’d try to visit my friend in the store

next door. To my dismay, I walked out shortly after entering because she

wasn’t there.

Now I my shoulders fell lower and my feet were dragging across the

ground as I repeated the following: Traveled all the way up here, spent

forever looking for a shirt to only find one, found out I lost my wallet, my

friend wasn’t even working, I’m going to have to order a new license, cancel

my bank card and get a new one, lost the cash I had along with other

membership cards and my temple recommend.

Now i’ll have to spend forever looking on the street for it, and chances are

it fell out on the freeway which is going to be impossible to spot…

I just clouded my mind with the negative circumstances my day had

pressed upon me. It seemed like the devil himself was after me.

JUST at that moment I stopped this foreshadow and I asked myself, should

I be angry or happy? Why should I let my day decide my level of joy?

Then I rewrote my story and told myself that today I had made an exodus

from my friendly Walmart to the Newgate Mall, where I was shopping for

some clothes and attempting to visit my fashion expert friend. In doing

so I met a great gentleman who wasn’t pushy at all and went completely

out of his way to help me go through numerous shirts (which we both knew

he would have to refold) just to help me find something I liked.

When I realized I lost my wallet I looked up at the man helping me and

expressed that I would have to come back later to make the purchase,

but now I get the opportunity to go on a treasure hunt. My friend wasn’t

there which means she was off of work probably doing something fun

and there are always other days to make a visit. And now that it’s

evening, this bike ride will be nice and cool.

It’s within my power simply to turn my day around and CHOOSE my reactions

to situations and literally MAKE it a great day.

My wallet was found. I could complain about what was lost, but instead

I actually am enjoying the possibilities of what someone would buy with

$60, what they would find interesting if they visit mormon.org, or what

books they might check out with my library card.

Be happy, it’s a choice!

THE WAY TO WALK TO CATCH THEIR EYE

The first thing people pick up from you is what they see.

Because they see you before they talk to you. And even

more received than what you say is what you show through

your body language.

Body language is the outward manifestation of our

inner beliefs and thoughts. It’s a language that everyone

speaks but few can consciously translate and understand.

The way you walk is one way to send out a signal of

who you are so that you are positively received by others.

Take Tigger and Eyore for examples. Tiggers’ body

language is fun and exciting and draws people to him.

Where as Eyore is depressing and closed off which pushes

people away because they don’t want to have that in their lives.

Confidence is one of the greatest attributes for attraction

around. I’m going to teach you how to show that in your

stride.

Here’s the trick:

The way to walk to catch their eye

Posture - Slouched shoulders is a sign of laziness

and un-organization. When positioned back and with

the chest out a bit, it is a sign of dominion and confidence.

Roll shoulders back and let them down. This usually

take a bit of effort to keep them in this position at first

but it is worth it.

The walk - Small steps are a sign of uncertainty

and over cautiousness in a casual walk. Big strides

show that you know where you are going in life and

you are ready to conquer opposition to get there.

Eyes - Many times we avoid eye contact with others

when they get close or connect their eyes to ours,

this puts off a sign of shyness and insecurity. On

the contrary, when you look directly into their

eyes without wavering (even when they look back)

then you show that you are sure of yourself and

comfortable with who you are.

Head positioning - Looking down is a sign of loneliness

and isolation. Go with the saying “keep your chin up”.

Having your head up and level shows optimism, that with

all the junk that we deal with in life, you are determined

to choose to be happy.

Test out these four simple adjustments this weekend when

you are with a group of people and post your results below!

Also, check out my free Win Win Dating Guide and start

getting more dates this week!